Only Love
by Croutonic Sarcasm
Summary: I do all of this for him. It's always for him. Mein kleiner Bruder, my little spark of awesome, my reason to live...


I do all of this for him. It's always for him. Mein kleiner Bruder, my little spark of awesome, my reason to live. I fought for him against others.

_"What are you doing, Prussia? Why are you doing this for him? He's a monster now. And you're paying the price. Are you honestly alright with this? Feeling the deaths that he causes in his ravage against his own land? ARE YOU MAD?"_

_"Nein. I love him."_

It always comes back to love, comes back to that little word. He doesn't understand how much I love him and how much I bend backwards for him. He just doesn't see it.

_"Bruder! Stop this foolishness at once and get back to your post in the camp! There is no time for dawdling! Are-are you _crying_? Stop crying at once! You're not allowed to cry in front of me!"_

_"I'm not?"_

No, I'm not. If I cry, if I show emotion, it means he did wrong. At least, that's what he thinks. He's had that stick up his ass for so long that as soon as something starts to go well and it begins to slip out, he jams it back up as high as it will go, if not higher. It can't ever be okay. It has to be bad in some way. If it wasn't, he'll make it that way.

_"He's killing them, Prussia. He's _killing_ hundreds- thousands- MILLIONS of his own bloody people and yet... and yet you're taking those emotions for him. Why aren't you letting him feel that pain? The berk caused it! Let him feel it!"_

_"I can't."_

He wounds me with every harsh word, he cuts me in two every time he raises his voice, every time he mocks me. He doesn't care, though. It's all a joke. No it's not. It's not funny when you hurt me. It's not funny when you comment on my few moments of weakness. I have those. I'm not perfect. I know I'm not. I wish I was. But when I let the facade down, when I trust that he won't hurt me, he does. I just want to relax, sometimes.

_"Osten, assist me for my gala. I have to look good in front of my leader and his wife. I can't look like a fool- what are you wearing? You can't wear that, you look like a whore."_

_"A-a whore...?"_

He doesn't realize what he does. He doesn't think it hurts. When I tell him, though, it always goes poorly. It's never his fault. I suppose it's my fault- I raised him like that. But he knows me, he knows I'm not what I appear. Can't he just once see past that?

_"You know I was joking, Bruder... I didn't mean it to hurt you."_

_"It... it really did, Westen. That isn't funny..."_

_"I said I was joking, alright? Get over it already. A joke is a joke. Honestly, you make me wonder if you really are dominant, the way you act."_

It doesn't matter though. No matter what Westen does, he's still my Westen. They're just words, after all, right? Nothing much to worry about.

_"Österreich... he's starting to remind me of Russland..."_

_"Of Russia? My, that is really a conundrum. Why ever so?"_

_"You know how awesome I am... He's making me feel horrible... He insults me all the time... He has double standards-"_

_"Give me an example, Prussia."_

_"Oh. Well, for one, if I ever act not perfectly awesome and happy, and I say something is wrong and it leads back to him, he'll get upset and -you'll never believe it, Specs- he _cries._"_

_"He cries...?"_

_"Yeah. Because if something is wrong and it's something he did, even if it's little, he freaks out and goes on a massive rant about how he's wrong and how he's so sorry and that he's a bad boyfriend and that he needs to be better and all this crazy shit that instantly makes me feel guilty and makes it sound like he wants me to fix it and apologize and- and- I guess that's what I get for treating him like a princess for a few years nad bottling myself mostly, right?"_

_"Mmm... Prussia, how is that reminding you of Russia?"_

_"Nothing is ever allowed to be wrong on his part that's REALLY wrong. Sure, he'll go on this long rant of how it's his fault, but... it's always me. I end up apologizing and I... I hate wanting to cry."_

_"I know. I know."_

I don't know what to do anymore. I love him. I want to be there for him. To take care of him. But even that is taken from me.

_"Bruder, what is that mess?"_

_"Clothes."_

_"Why aren't they put away?"_

_"I'll do it later. They're fine."_

_"They're on the _floor._"_

_"Mhm."_

_"...And why aren't the dishes clean?"_

_"Because there are more to use that _aren't _dirty yet?"_

_"Osten, that is not a way to live. Come back home and I'll take care of you. You obviously can't take care of yourself."_

I can take care of myself. So what if the dishes take a week to get done? I make sure nothing grows on 'em. And sure, the laundry is on the floor, but I know the clean pile from the dirty! I'm far from unable to provide for myself.

_"Osten, you need to shape up. If you hurt me, I will leave you. That is something you taught me. I'm worth more than that."_

_"I know."_

And now... today, I just... I don't understand. He's hurting me again and he doesn't even care. He doesn't even care.

_"Westen, you're ignoring me. If I ignore you for even a minute, you yell at me! Why can't I wear that uniform? It looks good on me! You can wear it, why can't I?"_

And then, he's gone. Suddenly, he needs to lay down, take a break, take some medicine for a headache. And when he's back, it's worse than ever...

_"__I'm not going to argue about whether or not we were arguing. I just feel like I can never make you happy. That I'm always screwing up. And I'll just never be good enough for you."_

_"Yes. I'm sorry."_

I can't do it. I can't handle it anymore. I don't care. I don't want to care. It's my fault. I'll just accept it and move on. But it's not that easy.

_"Why are you doing this?"_

_"Doing what, Westen?"_

_"Just giving in and saying that. You're not like that at all."_

_"I just don't want to fight."_

_"I love you. I just feel like you're searching for perfection from somebody that is not perfect. I have my flaws, as we all do. But you demand perfection from me. I cannot give it. I do not understand what I need to do to be better to you, Leiber."_

_"Yes. It's my fault. I'm sorry."_

_"I never said it was your fault. If you're going to take that path, I still not speak to you. There would be no point."_

_"I didn't..."_

_"Ja, Bruder, you are. It's my fault. I'm not a good enough lover, brother, to you."_

_"Westen... sure. Think what you want. I won't make it a pity party._

_"Oh. Right. I forgot. Deutschland is not allowed feelings. My apologizes, Bruder."_

That's not it at all... Why can't you ever just see that maybe- maybe I need to feel too! Bruder, you're trapping me! It hurts! Stop! I can feel the cage you put me in and it's too much, it's too much, I can't- I won't be bound to you as I was bound to Russland!

Bruder. Westen. I love you, but I hate how you make me feel. I'm scared that I... I'm starting to resent you.

I hope it can improve, Westen. If it doesn't...

It's fine. It's my fault. Really. I shouldn't make you feel like that. I'm sorry. It's my fault, Bruder. This was a pointless journal. What a ridiculous love me. I love you. Love is all I need.

Just love.

Only love.


End file.
